


County General's Lonely Hearts Club

by Somekindofflower



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Luka Kovač/Abby Lockhart, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Male-Female Friendship, mentions of Abby Lockhart/John Carter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22914739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somekindofflower/pseuds/Somekindofflower
Summary: Elizabeth Corday is weary and exhausted, figuring out her new life as a widowed, single mother of one and a surgeon. She's grieving and lonely. Luka is doing his own grieving, dealing with the lingering pain of losing his wife and children years before and losing Abby more recently. They each desperately need a friend who can understand.Friendship fic between Luka and Elizabeth, set in season nine-not a Luka and Elizabeth romance.
Relationships: Elizabeth Corday & Luka Kovač, Luka Kovač/Abby Lockhart
Comments: 95
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

The flat tire is the last straw on the back of a very tired, weary camel.

Elizabeth is doing her best, but she never expected this. She never imagined being a single mother, grieving her late husband while still resenting his choices. Her job is so demanding, and she has no motivation for any of it, and she hardly has any friends because she’s spent the last few years so focused on Mark and then Ella, and nowhere feels like home—Chicago or England, and, and, and…

So she bursts out crying right there on the sidewalk, leaning against the van and trying to keep it down. Oh, this is so embarrassing and ridiculous. So much for that infamous British stiff upper lip, she can’t help blubbering away in front of a bunch of strangers. Ella’s in her car seat, happily oblivious, and Elizabeth hiccups, trying to get hold of herself.

She has a vague memory of Mark saying something about having roadside assistance, but she can’t for the life of her recall what it is: AAA? Their insurance? Some other card or paper or membership she’ll never find? Even if she finds it, is there any chance the membership is up to date? The tears haven’t stopped, but her sobs have died down enough that she risks opening the passenger door to rifle through the glove compartment. There’s nothing. She slumps, her tears finally drying at the realization that she’s going to have to go back into the stupid hospital and beg for help, ask Frank or Jerry to call someone. Because she’s not already enough of an object of curiosity and pity.

“Damn,” she whispers before cradling her head in her hands.

“Elizabeth?” The softly accented voice doesn’t register until she feels a hand land gently on her shoulder. “Where’s your spare tire? And your jack?”

“Oh, Luka.” She hastily wipes her face with her hands before turning and he pretends not to notice her sniffling. “You don’t have to do that. I was just about to, uh...”

When it becomes obvious to both of them that she has no idea how to end that, he reaches past her and plucks the manual out of the glove compartment. He flips through it with confidence. Apparently he finds the right page, because he makes a grunt of triumph before heading to open the trunk. She follows, trying to think how to stop him. Surely he has things to do, she is capable, after all, she is a surgeon. She can figure it out on her own. 

“It’s in the back. Some vans have them attached underneath and that’s much more complicated. This will be simple, piece of pie.”

As taken aback as she is, she still automatically corrects him. “It’s ‘piece of cake’, actually. Or ‘easy as pie’.” She remembers David saying that once or twice, with a twinge. 

He snorts as he pulls up the floor and examines the spare tire and assorted parts with it. “Then why can’t a piece of pie be easy?”

Huh. “I don’t know, come to think of it. Listen, Luka, you really don’t have to do this, I can figure it out.”

He doesn’t even spare her a glance, presumptuous man, as he removes his jacket and rolls up his shirtsleeves. Grabbing the jack and positioning it, he finally speaks. 

“I never learned to cook when I was growing up. Our home was very traditional and my mother did all that while my father worked.”

She lets the protest die on her lips as he seems to loosen the lug nuts without any problem. There’s no point to stopping him now, and maybe it won’t hurt to swallow her pride this once. Besides, she is exhausted, and she doesn’t have a clue how to do this. Both of her parents would have called someone, and she never got a flat with Mark. She doesn’t even know if he would or could have done it himself or not, and that stings along with all the things about him she’ll never learn.

“After my wife died, I hardly cared about eating anyway, but trying to cook only for myself was.. a reminder, you know?” 

Elizabeth swallows against the returned lump in her throat and nods once. 

“I lived on toast and canned food. A couple months after, I came home and my mother was in my hallway. We didn’t even live nearby, she traveled all that way, even though it still wasn’t safe, and she had all these grocery bags. We got inside and I was fussing at her, telling her I was fine and she needed to be where it was safe—or safer anyway—and she stuck a knife in one of my hands and a potato in the other and told me to chop it.”

“So she taught you to cook then?”

“Started to, the basics, anyway. She taught me a little more each time I went home after that, which wasn’t as often as it should’ve been.”

Luka lays the worthless tire on the curb before placing the spare and pauses. 

“I realized later that she couldn’t...she couldn’t take away the pain or even comfort me then. Teaching me to cook was something she could do. This is something I can do.”

Elizabeth feels the embarrassment, the feeling of being a bother, evaporate in the face of his kindness and understanding. Here is perhaps the one person she needn’t feel that way around. As he tightens the lug nuts, she wonders why she and Mark never became friends with him, but she already knows. It’s the same reason it will be hard for her to make her own friends now, though she desperately needs them. People don’t mean to, but they shy away instinctively from those who’ve lived their own worst fears. 

Ella calls to her then, and she moves back to the passenger door to fumble through the diaper bag for the little container of cereal. 

“There you go, darling.” She smiles back at Ella, amazed she isn’t throwing a fit over her delayed dinner. She straightens up to see Luka has finished, and he’s watching the two of them with a longing look.

Elizabeth still wants to climb in bed and hide under the covers most days, and the only reason she doesn’t is grinning at her with a mushy Cheerio stuck to her chin. God, how is he even able to stand?

“Thank you so much, Luka, I don’t know what I would’ve done without your help.”

“I’m happy to help. And it..it does get better.” His wistful half-smile is so knowing that she almost starts crying again. 

“Hey, Elizabeth, Luka. You guys okay?”

Because she’s looking at Luka when Carter interrupts with Abby by his side, she can’t miss the look of agony that passes over his face before he tightens his jaw and steels his expression into something more neutral.

It’s a relief to find she can still feel for someone else, even though it hurts like a bitch—like a limb waking up after being asleep. 

Though she hopes for Carter’s and Abby’s sakes that they are happy, it terrifies and pains her to know that even after going through all that pain and coming out the other side, a heart can still be shattered. Luka said “it gets better,” but he’s not exactly a shining example of it.

Elizabeth makes a quick decision and answers so he doesn’t have to. 

“We’re fine. Luka came to our rescue with our flat tire, didn’t he, Ella?” She opens the sliding door and unbuckles her daughter before grabbing the diaper bag from the front and passing it to a nonplussed Luka. “Now we’re going to go eat at Doc Magoo’s, because it’s past our dinner time, and Luka’s coming too.” She shakes her head sternly when he opens his mouth to decline.

“Okay, if you’re alright, I guess we’ll see you tomorrow.” Carter waves as he steps away.

“See you then.”

Elizabeth turns to close the door and is surprised to find Abby is still standing in front of Luka, shifting her feet, when she turns back.

“See you tomorrow, Abby.”

“Bye.” Abby looks like she has more to say, but she still darts off to catch up with Carter, as Luka stares after them.

“Coming, Luka?”

“You don’t need to do this.”

“Well, you didn’t need to change my tire. Please, don’t make me endure another meal without adult conversation.”

He relents with a nod. “Okay.”

They busy themselves with crossing the street safely and getting Ella bundled into a booth once they’re inside. 

“I can pay for my own meal.”

She looks back at him and sees he's still looking like the walking wounded. 

“It’s my way of saying thank you, but feel free to pay if it offends your male ego too much.”

He smirks and rolls his eyes a little at that. “Fine, fine.”

She smiles back. “Good. Besides, it’s something I can do.”

He bows his head and bites his lip. Fortunately, Ella pipes up then and interrupts the awkward moment.

By the time their food comes, Luka and Ella are fast friends. It smarts seeing her laugh and play with another man besides her father, but in a good way. Her daughter deserves to have fun, especially in the midst of all this grief. 

Luka graciously lets her pay without comment and walks them back to their car. Ella cackles as he swings her around with a crazy face before placing her back in her mother’s arms. 

“Thank you, Elizabeth.”

She looks up at him and thinks how pleasant it is to not be alone, aside from Ella, for once. “Thank you, Luka. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Perhaps she does have a friend after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Luka continues acting out, he gets a reprieve in the form of dinner at the Corday-Greene house.

Luka winces at the dull ache behind his eyes. He’s too old for this shit.

It isn’t even what he  _ wants,  _ to live this way, drinking all the time and sleeping with whomever happens to be nearby and interested. It’s that the only solace he gets from his loneliness are the few moments he steals of either numbness or the temporary pleasure found in someone’s arms. Being wanted, even if only for a night. Or a stolen half hour in a storage closet.

God, the look in Abby’s eyes after he slept with their patient’s mom stung. He’s man enough to admit to himself in hindsight that he hoped she might feel a tiny bit of the jealousy he feels, but her disappointment was worse than her not caring. He shoves that aside. If he can manage to stop thinking about her for two days at a time...or hours...maybe he can stop trying to escape his thoughts and feelings at any cost. Working with her is torment enough, watching her being kind and solicitous to her patients, and usually keeping it professional and brief with him. Every now and then, she’ll look at him, though, and he thinks she sees through his act. It hurts that she either doesn’t see—how can she not?—or worse, she sees but doesn’t care. 

Today is better, though, he actually has plans. The fact that he’s far more excited about going over to Elizabeth’s for dinner with her and Ella than he has been about any of his, er, liaisons, speaks loudly, even to him. Things being so weird with Abby cuts his list of friends down to one, maybe two. Kerry’s a friend of a sort, but not so much for hanging out outside of County. With Elizabeth, he’s on more even ground. 

Luka doesn’t get to work in time to get coffee with Elizabeth before their shift, as has become their habit. Unfortunately, that means he’s in the lounge waiting for the pot to finish brewing when Abby and Carter come in together. He pastes on a smile and greets them. His stomach churns and he wishes he could hate Carter, but somehow he doesn’t. Rarely has he been so grateful for an interruption as he is when Chuny comes in to let him know about a hot MI, even when it means he doesn’t get his coffee.

Thankfully, it’s a busy day as usual. Work is less satisfying than in the past, but his mind and hands are occupied and, at the very least, he can focus on someone else’s pain for a while. After a couple hours, Chuny approaches him when he’s checking on labs and hands him a cup from the roach coach. 

“I saw you didn’t get any earlier and figured you need this.”

“Oh. Thanks, Chuny.” Her kindness is touching. It feels good to be seen, even if the sad, knowing smile she’s giving him is too close to pitying for his comfort. He takes an appreciative swig. “Want to help me with this kid?” It’s nothing interesting, probably just a virus, but the boy needs an IV. Haleh is busy and Abby’s helping Carter. It doesn’t seem like he needs her at the moment, but Luka would prefer not to interrupt what is probably a flirtation.

Chuny might pity him, but at least he won’t have to put on a front for her.

* * *

  
  


At the end of the day, Luka rushes out before he can get stopped with anything incoming. Mark and Elizabeth’s— _ Elizabeth’s— _ house isn’t terribly far. It’s nicer than he expected, much more homey, and it makes his chest ache. 

When she answers the door, he hands her the loaf of pogača he baked the day before.

“Oh! Thank you, Luka. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to bring something. I didn’t know what you were making, but bread goes with everything.”

“Yes, thank you. I’m heating up lasagna a neighbor gave me, after Mark...I got so much food, and then I went back to London. I had to freeze some. It’s been in there for a while, hopefully it’s still good.”

The way she pales a little bit makes him wonder if she’s eaten  _ any  _ of the food she’s gotten. 

Ella toddles into the room then with a gleeful cry, and he grins down at her. “Hi, Ella! How are you this evening?”

“Moo!” She calls out and looks back at him expectantly. 

“Are you a cow? Going to chew some grass?”

Her brow furrows adorably as she stomps. “Moo! _ ” _

Luka raises his eyebrows at Elizabeth, hoping for an interpretation. 

“Ella, I don’t think Luka wants to be your cow.”

“Oh, no, I don’t mind.”

He gets down on all fours. “Like this, Ella? Baa!”

Her baby giggles are too cute. “Moo!”

“Quack?”

It’s both a pain and balm to his heart to play with a child like this again. In one way, it makes him miss Marko and Jasna more, but it’s also nice to be reminded of their happy times together. They loved to play with him like this in their apartment, blissfully unaware of how dangerous the world outside their door was.

He was a good father, damn it. So many worse parents traipse through the ER on the regular. Why do they get to keep their kids and he couldn’t?

There’s not much time to dwell on it with a demanding toddler at hand. Ella slaps a plastic chicken into his hand and points imperiously at her toy barn.

“Dinner’s ready!” Elizabeth calls but is immediately interrupted by the phone ringing. “Oh, hold that thought.”

A pinched look, like she’s trying not to cry, crosses her face as she answers and listens to whoever is on the other end.

“Ooka!” Ella calls his attention back to her little farm animals and he obeys.

After a minute or two, Elizabeth approaches with the phone. 

“Ella, Rachel wants to say hello.”

As the phone is held to her ear, Ella frowns. Luka can hear Rachel talking, but it doesn’t look like Ella gets what she’s supposed to do. After a few pauses, Elizabeth gives up.

“Okay, Ella, say ‘bye bye’ to Rachel. ‘Bye bye.’”

Ella gives a confused and half-hearted “bye” before going back to the cow and sheep in her hands.

Elizabeth talks for a few more minutes before hanging up and collecting herself.

“Okay, let’s eat!” 

Luka hopes his pasted on smiles are more believable than hers. He scoops up his tiny friend and follows Elizabeth to the kitchen. 

After Elizabeth cuts up Ella’s bits of food before placing her plate on her high chair tray, he asks. “Is everything alright with Rachel?”

“Not really. She’s having a hard time adjusting. She was crying.”

She pauses to sigh. “I don’t really know what my place is to help, either. I’m not her parent. I don’t always agree with what her mother says and does, but I know I’m only getting her side of it. I didn’t agree with what Mark did half the time with her, either.”

“Maybe you can just be a friend, someone to listen.”

She shrugs. “I suppose. Every time she calls, though, I feel guilty. And angry.”

“About Ella?” Even Luka heard the story about Ella swallowing ecstasy Rachel had in her bag and nearly dying. He looks at the happy little girl, sitting between them with tomato sauce smeared on her face, and feels a rush of gratitude that she’s okay.

“No, I’ve forgiven her for that, though I still think she got off too easy. About Mark. It reminds me that if he were still alive, we might not even be married anymore.” 

“You don’t know that. You might have worked it out.” It’s likely they would have, he thinks, they loved each other. They couldn’t have given up so easily.

“I hope so, but I’m not sure. I was so angry and felt like he wouldn’t  _ hear  _ me. I know he might have already been sick, but thinking about it makes me boil with anger all over again. Then I feel guilty because he’s gone and here I am mad at him.” The fire drains out of her then, as she shakes her head and helps Ella with a particularly stubborn noodle. “Listen to me going on and on. I apologize.”

“You can love someone and still be angry at them. Even if they’re dead.” Not that he would know, as his anger over his family is mainly reserved for God and himself. “Besides, talking is good for you. So I hear.” He smirks ruefully.

Elizabeth merely raises an eyebrow as she chews.

“Teenagers are hard.” There’s that wistful ache in his chest again. “Jasna—my daughter—she would be the same age as Rachel.”

Luka pauses to let her react. He knows it’s uncomfortable for people, but she seems to handle it better than most. She swallows before responding.

“Well, then, you’ve certainly had more parenting experience than I have. Any advice?”

A piece of spinach splats onto her cheek. Elizabeth turns to gape at her daughter in shock and Luka can’t hold back his laughter. He grabs the plate from her tray before she can do further damage.

“Yes, uh, add the food as she eats or she’ll throw it as soon as she’s not hungry anymore.”

Elizabeth glares as he tries to get control over his laughter. Then she quickly wipes Ella’s face and hands with the automatic motions of a parent who does this ten times a day. His fingers twitch with the muscle memory.

Neither of them are finished yet, so they set a few of the farm animals on her tray to occupy her.

“Are you still angry at your wife?”

“No, she couldn’t have done anything differently.  _ I  _ could have.”

Luka shoves a forkful of lasagna in his mouth.

“So, it’s Abby then. Who you love but you’re mad at.”

Chewing longer than he needs to, he takes his time. “I don’t have any right to be mad at Abby.”

“But you are.”

He winces. “Yes.” He hates talking about his feelings. But now that he’s started, he can’t stop. “I was an awful boyfriend. I was struggling over my—my family and feeling guilty because she was the first woman after. I just didn’t talk to her about any of it, not even how I felt about her. I can’t blame her for not wanting that, so I let her go, you know?”

“I know something about dating inscrutable men, yes.”

“I was sure she and Carter would start dating immediately. I was prepared then, but it didn’t happen. We started spending more time together, we became better friends. I started to hope, uh, but then she didn’t even tell me they were together.”

His plate is still half full. It’s a delicious meal, but his appetite is gone now.

“You were caught off guard.”

“Yeah,” he nods before taking a sip of water. Clearing his throat, he tries to divert her attention at least slightly. “Inscrutable men?”

Elizabeth ignores his weak attempt. “What will you do now?”

Damn, she’s persistent. He heaves a huge sigh before pinching his nose. “Hell if I know.” Get enough of a reprieve from hurt and anger to get some clarity, he hopes. Whatever that takes.

She brushes Ella’s hair from her face, taking her time, giving him a moment. “Will you be dressing up for Halloween?”

Luka snorts. “Uh, no. You?”

“I’m going to be a farmer and Ella’s going to be a cow.”

“That sounds fun. Right, Ella?”

“Moo!”

She holds up her cow and grins at him and he can't help but grin back, in spite of himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth and Luka wallow in their post-Halloween misery.

Elizabeth hitches Ella up on her hip, longing for her bed. Unfortunately, her little girl doesn’t want to sleep all day just because their night routine was thrown out of whack. So they’re on a mission.

As she steps out of the elevator, she double checks the number on the slip of paper before rapping on the door. When no one answers, she pushes the doorbell. Just as she’s about to give up, she hears shuffling inside.

“Coming.” Oh, he sounds awful. 

Luka looks like he’d be surprised to see them if he were awake enough. Or feeling enough.

“Can we come in?” She doesn’t bother waiting for an answer before pushing past him. Spotting his couch and TV, she makes a beeline for them, plopping Ella down on the couch before turning the TV on and finding The Wiggles. Ella is bleary-eyed but content enough, so Elizabeth heads back to where Luka is now standing in front of the kitchen island, mouth agape.

“Uh, good morning,” he finally grumbles.

She snorts. “I apologize for skipping the pleasantries, but it’s not good, nor is it morning, so why bother?”

Luka hums in agreement. “You too?”

At least they have company in their misery. She nods when he holds up a bag of coffee beans in silent question. “Yes,  _ please.” _

He then turns to boil water on the stove in a pot before grinding the beans, and she doesn’t have the energy to ask why. 

“Sugar?” He asks. 

“Yes, one teaspoon please.” She stares at Ella, who is mesmerized by the TV, while Luka fiddles with the coffee.

“It’s Turkish coffee, it’s a bit different than you’re used to.” He places a mug in front of her and she sniffs. Wow, that’s strong. Taking a sip, she decides it’s not bad, but probably an acquired taste.

They drink in silence for a few moments, listening to Ella laughing and clapping at her show.

“So, what happened to you?” Luka asks and it floods out of her.

“Too many surgeries, Romano, I lost my ring, missed trick-or-treating with Ella, Romano again.”

“You lost your ring?” The gravity of understanding in his voice brings tears to her eyes and she swallows against the lump that rises in her throat.

To show him it’s back in its rightful place first, she holds up her left hand. “I was scrubbing in and it went down the drain. Robert was yelling at me to get in there and hurry up or he’d start cutting and I had to leave it.”

“But you have it.”

“Robert took the scope and got it out for me.” The conflicted feelings and thoughts make her head hurt.

“That was nice.” Luka’s skeptical and she can’t blame him. 

“Robert is complicated. Or rather, things between Robert and I are complicated.”

“Romantically?” His attempt not to sound disgusted is such a miserable failure that Elizabeth giggles, releasing a little of her tension.

He listens so attentively that she winds up telling him more than she planned—the full backstory of Peter, Romano and her. She forgot how nice it is to have someone hear her.

“Anyway, in spite of all the trickery and manipulation, we’re sort of friends now, in a bizarre, twisted sort of way. I know he can be terrible. He still infuriates me on a regular basis.”

“What was today about?”

“I was about to leave on time to take Ella trick-or-treating and he made me stay—a patient with necrotizing fasciitis. We had to amputate.”

“Oh.” There’s a wealth of understanding in that one word.

“Yes, it went about as well as you would imagine, with Robert watching. I went to talk to him later, to explain, and he got rather emotional. He, uh, he caressed my face.”

Saying it out loud makes the discomfort rush back. There’s a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, like she’s done something terrible, and her face burns. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, of course. It wasn’t anything, not really. He apologized, he went and got my ring, he knows nothing will happen between us. But it just felt so—” she sniffs, trying to rein in her emotions. “Will it always feel so wrong?”

“No, it won’t. But even then, it hurts in a different way, because it doesn’t feel wrong anymore.”

Elizabeth lets herself absorb that. It’s not that she wants to touch other men or even think about it, but she still feels so completely married. 

“Then I missed trick-or-treating. Ella got to go a tiny bit with her nanny, but it’s not the same.”

“She’s young, Elizabeth. She doesn’t expect anything yet, and she won’t remember.”

“I know,” her voice trembles and she clears her throat. “It’s the first thing, the first tradition, since Mark died. I failed at it.”

Luka shakes his head fiercely and she holds her hand up to stop the rebuttal. 

“I know, but it feels like it’s a sign that I can’t do this by myself.”

“You can. I know it’s hard, and it’s different than you planned. But you can.”

“Thanks, Luka.” She doesn’t feel cheered, but her shoulders feel lighter from the release of their burden.

Now to her purpose in coming. “What the hell happened with  _ you  _ yesterday?”

His face crumbles as he closes his eyes and blows out shakily. “How do you even know about that?”

“Oh, Luka,” she shakes her head. Is he really this unaware? “You know County. I heard it from Shirley, and from Susan.” The tense, almost silent elevator ride she shared with Abby, during which Abby started to ask about him and stopped herself twice, also let her know something had gone terribly wrong. Luka doesn’t need to hear about that one. “The nurses are ready to fight you.”

“Shit.” He collapses onto one of the barstools so hard it tips ominously before settling. “Everything is so fu—“ He cuts himself off with a glance in Ella’s direction and Elizabeth feels a surge of affection for him. “Everything is so messed up, I keep thinking it can’t get worse. Then I make it even worse.”

“Maybe you’re doing it on purpose? Punishing yourself?”

The bewilderment in his eyes tells her he doesn’t know how to tell. If that’s what he’s doing, he isn’t aware.

“I slept with Chuny.”

“Okay,” she answers slowly, waiting for the rest. 

“I told her it wasn’t a good idea since we work together. She said it would be fine.”

“That’s it? I mean, you both agreed, nothing else happened?”

Elizabeth knows Mark and Chuny had a fling in the past as well, but there was never any tension as far as she knew. It can’t be only that they had sex.

“Well, I might’ve, uh…” Huh, she didn’t realize Luka could blush. “I might’ve called her the wrong name.”

“Oh.” No need to ask whose name, that’s obvious. “I suppose that made her angry?”

“Nope, she was very understanding. Very... _ pitying.”  _ He spits it out and she gets it. He’s the one who’s pissed.

“Ah, I see. I’m sure you handled that well.”

“God, I was such a jerk. I knew I was doing it, then and at work to her and I was awful to Abby. It’s like I can’t stop myself.”

It’s sad to see this large man caving in on himself. She could scold him, but he’s beating himself up enough as it is.

“You know what you have to do, right?”

Heaving a sigh, he answers begrudgingly, “Apologize to Chuny.” 

“Then talk to Abby.”

“What?!” Luka finally looks at her directly. “I can’t tell her I did that!”

“No, I don’t mean about Chuny or your feelings for her, not right now. But you should tell her that you’re angry with her for shutting you out.”

A hand rakes through his hair. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Well alright, but I wouldn’t expect things to get better until you do. And apologize to Chuny. Sooner rather than later.”

The set of his jaw tells her that he doesn’t want to agree, but he finally nods. This isn’t going to go well. Hopefully she got through to him, but it’s out of her hands now. 

“Okay, do you have any food? The Wiggles is about to be over and Ella’s going to riot if she only gets dry cereal for another meal.”

“Is my scolding over?”

Elizabeth snorts. “If you think that was a scolding, you haven’t been scolded enough in your life. I just want you to be okay, Luka.”

“I know. Thanks.” He gives a half-hearted smile before standing. “How does Ella like her eggs?”

“Scrambled, preferably with cheese.”

“Okay.” He moves to the stove and pulls out a pan. Apparently the conversation is over.

  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luka has to deal with his suspension from work and counseling with Abby before he can return and try to stop being such a disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are all staying safe and healthy! I'm homeschooling and trying to maintain sanity by writing, so here you go.

Just when Luka thinks it can’t get any worse, of course it does.

Suspension. Seriously? After all the shit he’s seen other doctors do, and this is what he gets suspended for? With the crap people like Romano pull all the time?

He knows he was an asshole, he _knows,_ and he hates himself for it as much as they do. If being a temporary asshole is enough to get him fired, though, there will be hardly anyone left to treat the patients. Susan, maybe, and Haleh will be all they’ve got.

Kerry was the one to tell him, at the nursing staff’s request, she said. Abby knew. She _knew_ and she didn’t even warn him. She didn’t even tell him afterward. Hell, she probably signed the damn thing. He knows he’s been terrible to her lately, but you know, she’s made mistakes too, and he thought she at least cared that much. 

Even their friendship must have been all in his head.

Tomorrow, he’s expected to show up and get counseling from her, of all people. He’d rather it be Chuny, awkward and awful as that would be. He should have listened to Elizabeth. Apologizing doesn’t sound like such an ordeal compared to this. Telling Abby he’s mad just got a lot easier, too.

Miraculously, he manages to resist the urge to punch anything. There’s still some remodeling he has planned, so his sledgehammer gets a workout in the downstairs bedroom instead.

The door slams behind him as he gets back from a Home Depot run that evening. The answering machine clicks on as he enters and he lets it. It’s probably Abby, scheduling his torture session for the next day, but even if it isn’t, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

“Luka, it’s Elizabeth. If you’re there, please pick up.” She waits for a moment before continuing. “I’m worried about you and—“

He heaves a sigh and moves to pick up the phone. “I’m here.”

“I heard about today. Are you okay? I mean, obviously you’re not okay, but are you okay enough? Oh, even I don’t know what I mean, just tell me how you are.”

It’s the first time he’s smiled in hours. “I’m alright, I guess.”

“Really?”

“No,” he sighs. “I’ve been tearing a wall down. One I planned to, I mean. I’m pissed off. I feel like an idiot for not listening to you.”

“You didn’t apologize?”

“No. I hoped it would blow over, but they’re angrier than I thought. I could lose my job. I’m trying to decide if that’s a problem or a sign.”

“You want to leave? And do what, go home to Croatia?”

Ugh, no, he doesn’t. There’s not much there for him, but what is there here? “I don’t know. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do.” 

“That’s giving up a bit too easily.”

He laughs then, a harsh bark. “Easy?”

“Yes, easy. I know things have been hard, but you’re not getting fired over this unless you do anything else stupid. Robert said it’s just a slap on the wrist to appease the nurses.”

“That’s not what Kerry said. Did _Robert_ also tell you I have to be counseled by the nurse manager before I’m allowed back at work?”

“By the—wait, isn’t that Abby? That’s a bad idea.” 

“You think?” The sarcasm isn’t kind, but he can’t help himself.

“Maybe it is, but maybe it isn’t. I still think you should talk to her.”

“Even after today? After she took the side of a bunch of people who want me fired and she didn’t even bother to give me a heads up?”

There’s a moment’s pause before she responds. “That’s what you think happened? No wonder you’re so upset.”

“Uh, yeah, what—“

“They went around Abby. She didn’t even know until today and she did try to fight it.”

His stomach swoops and he realizes he hasn’t eaten anything for dinner. “She did?”

“Yes, and she’s pissed about it. She’s giving Chuny the cold shoulder.”

Really? That’s too much loyalty to ask for with how he’s been.

“They didn’t think she’d do anything. She’s still your friend, Luka. And she probably didn’t get a chance to warn you with her brother showing up.”

Crying from relief would be too much, wouldn’t it? It would. He forgot all about her brother in the midst of everything else. Sure, he isn’t her mother, but family is hard for Abby. 

Of course, she has Carter to help her with them now. She probably lets him.

“Okay.” Luka’s not sure what else to say. At least the one person he always thought would be on his side isn’t calling for his head, but the whole thing still sucks.

“Like I said, it’s a slap on the wrist, and Kerry wants her doctors all working as soon as possible. As long as you do what you’re supposed to do, you’ll be fine.”

“Okay. Thanks.” He searches wildly for a change of subject, any change. “How was your day?”

“Bizarre. That girl from the L? We thought she was drugged and raped, but it turns out she takes Ketamine and has rough sex with multiple boys every weekend.”

“Damn.” That’s messed up.

“My intern, Mr. Nathan, is proving to be a difficult one. He insists on being scheduled like all the other interns even though it makes his illness worse, when it’s already impossible to work with. We had a patient with Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency, she’s end-stage. He talked her into ripping up her DNR.”

“I suppose that’s her choice.”

“Yes, but he called me cold.”

Luka can’t help the smirk that rises at that. “Well, you are a surgeon.”

“That’s what I said, but he’s right. I’m not myself lately.”

“That doesn’t make you a cold person. If you feel numb or can’t carry pain for other people right now, that’s normal. You’ve got enough of your own.” If she takes on the pain of every patient she sees, it will only exacerbate her own healing. He tried living that way, and look what it did to him.

“I don’t want to be unfeeling. I can see that I’m doing it, you know. I just—right now, I can’t.”

It hurts. He wants to help, but there isn’t anything he can do. Especially not right now when he feels the same. At least she has a good reason.

“It’s okay. All of that will come back. You have to give it time and be patient with yourself.” That sounds sufficiently supportive, even if it makes him a hypocrite.

“Yes. Oh, no, Ella’s awake again. I have to go.”

“Okay, goodnight.”

“Luka, please go tomorrow. Go, and let me know how it goes. Please.” His heart warms that at least she wants to keep him around. 

“I’ll go. Thanks for calling.”

Now that he’s somewhat calmed, he might get around to eating something.

* * *

  
  
The message Abby left on his machine late the night before asked him to meet her at a familiar coffee shop near her place at 10 AM. Choking down the memories of going out in the morning to get them breakfast there, he leaves a message for her that he’ll be there before going on a cold run. He accidentally runs a little too long, trying to get the nerves out, and despite rushing through his shower, it’s more like ten after when he gets there. 

Through the window, he sees her sitting there with her brow wrinkled, looking around. She’s tense and worried, and it gives him the last push he needs to go through the door and approach her. The relief on her face when she looks up and spots him makes him feel like a jackass. Then he sees that she ordered a blueberry scone and large coffee for him, and shame almost chokes him.

“I was starting to think you stood me up.”

It’s on the tip of his tongue to ask if it’s a date, but he doesn’t want to lash out at her anymore. “Sorry, I went for a run and went too far. I could’ve come straight here without a shower, but I didn’t want to be all sweaty.”

She lifts one eyebrow and smirks a little. “Yeah, we wouldn’t want that.” He squints at her, trying to figure out why that’s funny.

Taking off his coat, he drapes it along the back of his chair before collapsing into it. He closes his eyes for a second, steeling himself for what he needs to do. When he opens them to find her watching him with wary eyes and holding her breath, he finds it easier. The distance between them hurts, and if he can make it better, he has to. 

“I’m sorry, Abby.”

“Luka, you don’t have to apologize.”

“Yes, I do. I was a dick to you. I know I was a dick to Chuny, too, and I’ll apologize. You don’t have to do this.”

Her shoulders slump as she relaxes and sighs. “I didn’t know, Luka. I tried to stop it when I heard, but it was too late.”

“I know. I’m sorry I blamed you. Elizabeth told me you fought it.”

“She did, huh? Yeah, I suck as a nurse manager. The nurses won’t talk to me and the nursing director won’t listen to me. Maybe I’ll get lucky and Weaver will fire me.”

A bitter chuckle slips out. “Yeah, real lucky.”

“Oh, God, Luka, I didn’t mean—they’re not going to _fire_ you. You’re a good doctor, and they know it. You just had, um, a lapse in judgment.”

“A lapse.” Or two or three or fifty.

“Yeah.” As she stares down into her mug, he knows something is coming. “Luka, what IS going on with you? This isn’t you.”

Great. Exactly the conversation he hopes to never have. “I don’t know, Abby. My life just feels empty.” He doesn’t want to lie anymore, Elizabeth’s right about that, but he can’t put his feelings out there when he knows she doesn’t share them, either. He aims for funny instead. “I guess I thought I’d try fucking away my problems.”

That indulgent look she gives him is still adorable. “And that’s working as well as ever?”

Wait, does she think that’s what they were? She can’t. That’s ridiculous. “Well, I never tried it before.” Hopefully that’s enough clarification.

It feels like she’s staring through him, but she answers in the same half-joking tone. “From what I hear, it doesn’t work.”

There’s so much to say, and so little he actually can. He grabs the scone for an excuse and takes a big bite. 

“So, Weaver gave me a few pamphlets that you’re supposed to read.” She reaches down into her bag and pulls out an impressive stack.

“A few?” He takes a sip of his coffee. 

“Oh, please, I’ve seen you fly through medical journals, you read English faster than I do. These won’t even take you the rest of the day.”

“‘Don’t Touch Me There’? ‘Making Amends’?”

“Most of them are pretty on the nose.” Whatever that means. “Speaking of amends, are we okay?”

Shit. Luka really only has two options here: lie his ass off or take Elizabeth’s advice and tell her the truth. 

Buying some time, he asks “Why do you ask?”

“I mean, I know you’ve been having a hard time, and I know you apologized. It’s just that some of the things you’ve said to me have seemed a bit pointed and, um, angry.”

That decides it. Taking a deep breath, he tells the truth. Or part of it, anyway. “I thought we were friends.”

“We are.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me about you and Carter?” 

It’s clear she didn’t expect him to ask. She looks down at her empty plate and bites her lip before looking up at him. “I didn’t think you’d care.”

Ouch. That...ouch. It obviously shows on his face how much that hurts, because she winces. 

“I didn’t think it would bother you, but I—I’m sorry.” She doesn’t know what to say, and neither does he. All he’s sure of is that no good is going to come from talking of Carter further. 

One of them has to say something, because it’s getting more awkward by the second. “It’s okay.” So much for not lying. “I don’t want to lose your friendship.”

“You won’t, Luka. You can’t.” She means it, he can see it in her eyes. A knot loosens in his chest for the first time in months. Aside from being in love with her, her friendship is one of the most precious things in his life. The foolishness has to stop, at least at work. He can’t risk losing her good opinion anymore than he already has.

Bless the server for coming to refill their coffee cups. “So, how’s your visit with your brother going? Eric, right?”

“It’s okay, I guess. He brought his girlfriend, Jody, did you see her?”

“Not really.”

“She’s a teenager. Well, not really, she’s _almost_ 21.”

He smiles at her disdain. “Really? How old is he?”

“27. They’re staying at my place.”

“That’s cozy.” Something’s wrong, he can tell. There’s something she isn’t saying. 

“We went line dancing last night, the two of them and Carter and me.” She stumbles a little over his name and he ignores it. 

“What’s line dancing?”

“It’s a group dance in a line, usually to country music. Like the Electric Slide.”

“Oh.” Her eyes are darting around and he can’t let it go anymore. “Is something wrong? With your brother?”

“It’s probably nothing.”

“Abby.”

Her shoulders slump as she comes out with it. “Eric’s not himself. He’s being spontaneous and running off with this girl he just met, saying he’s in love with her, he started smoking, he kept calling me about a blender while he knew I was at work. Carter thinks I’m overreacting, but—” Her voice catches and she cuts off her rant. “It’s not that it’s unfamiliar, it’s that it’s too familiar. It’s like Maggie.”

It takes most of his strength not to reach across the little table and grab her hand. “I’m sorry, Abby. Is he still here?” 

“They’re supposed to leave this afternoon.”

“Do you want me to check him out?”

Her eyes get bright before she closes them and he feels like a jerk. His own pain has kept him from looking too closely at her, too afraid that seeing her happy with Carter will hurt too much. Though she hasn’t looked that happy when he has seen her, come to think of it. He hasn’t been a good friend to her, either.

“No, he’ll freak out if he knows what I’m thinking.”

“What about Maggie? Have you asked what she thinks?”

That takes her aback. She opens and closes her mouth. “I didn’t think about her.”

Luka considers carefully before saying more. This area has always been a minefield for them. “She might have insight about it, since she’s been through it. Plus, you deserve to share it. You don’t have to take all of the burden on yourself, Abby.” 

The look on her face shows she wants to believe him but doesn’t. “I’ll think about it. Thanks, Luka.”

“You’re welcome.” It occurs to him then that he’s keeping her from spending time with her brother. “You should probably get home to him now. I’ll read these,” he says, holding up the ridiculous stack of pamphlets with a sardonic look. 

“Okay. You know, it’s going to be okay, Luka.”

“Yeah,” he says, actually believing it might be for the first time. He stands up when she does but restrains himself from helping her with her coat. “For you, too.”

“I hope so. See you at work in a couple days.”

“See you.”

* * *

  
  


When Luka gets home, he dutifully dials Elizabeth’s number.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Oh, hi, Luka. How did it go?” There’s a shout from Ella. “Oh, hold on. She wants to show you something. I think she’s starting to get the hang of the phone.”

“Ooka!”

“Hi, Ella!” 

She launches into a garbled rendition of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and he claps when she finishes. 

“Very nice! You’ll have to sing it again for me the next time I see you.”

“Bye bye!”

“Okay, bye.” 

He’s smiling when Elizabeth comes back on the line. “How did it go?”

“It went alright. I’ve got a lot of stuff Weaver wants me to read about appropriate behavior. And you were right.”

“Oh?” 

He smirks. She knows exactly what he means. “Abby knew I was mad at her. We talked a little. It was nice.”

“Good, I’m glad. I hope it helps.”

“I think it will. Thanks, Elizabeth, for caring. You’re not cold, not to me.”

There’s an intake of breath on the other end. “Tell Mr. Nathan that, would you?”

“Gladly.” Not that it will do much good, Nathan thinks the same of him, but he’s happy to try.

  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth is at home, mulling over her frustration with Mr. Nathan, and Luka shows up there to talk in lieu of heading for a bar.

Elizabeth speeds through tidying up the living room in hopes of accomplishing something with all this irritated energy. She’s so _frustrated._ Medical students have never been the nuisance to her that they are to others. They might know nothing, they might be lazy or stupid or whatever, but never has she had one who gets under her skin the way Paul Nathan does. Until now.

The thing is, she gets it. Not that she has experienced it personally, but she saw how difficult it was for Mark to recognize new limitations. Limitations that neither of them wanted to admit were reality. In certain moments, she can see that Mr. Nathan is truly gifted. If he would work with his illness instead of insisting on powering through it, he could accomplish great things. But not by operating on anyone. She sympathizes with him, but she can’t do that to his future patients.

There’s a light tap on the door then, and she groans. The last thing she wants to do is to make bloody small talk with any of her neighbors. They’re nice enough, and she appreciates the gesture, but if Mrs. Winston calls her “you poor dear” one more time, she’s going to show her who the poor dear is.

“Oh, Luka.” She relaxes when she sees who it is. “Come in. Ella’s already down for the night.”

“Sorry to disturb you this late. I can go.”

“No. No, I’d like your company.” It’s a relief not to be alone with her thoughts taking a dark turn. 

He slumps down onto her couch and hangs his head. Elizabeth watches and waits for a minute and then rises when she can’t stand the silence anymore.

“Would you like some tea?” They might as well have something to do if he’s not going to speak.

“Sure.”

The silence reigns even as she boils the water and gets everything together, and she has to get her own feelings out.

“Sugar or milk?” 

Elizabeth puts a splash of milk in her own as he shakes his head. 

“Thanks.”

“Did you hear about my patient today?”

His mouth quirks a little at that. “Yeah. You’ve got to get that kid on a leash.”

“If you know how, I’ll gladly take advice. He doesn’t listen to me.”

“It doesn’t seem like he’s come to terms with his disease.”

“I know, but how do I get him to do that?”

Luka shrugs. “I guess keep putting him in situations that show him his limits. It’s up to him if he learns from it or keeps being stubborn.” 

She hides a little smirk at that, coming from Luka, but he sees it and waves his hand in acknowledgement. At least he's aware of his own stubbornness.

“Being on this side of it is different.”

“What do you mean?”

“With Mark. I probably owe Kerry an apology for getting so mad at her about it.”

“I think she understood.”

“I hope so.”

“He was your husband, she knew you were being protective. Kerry understands more than it seems sometimes, I think.”

“I do too. There are so many things I’d do over if I could.” 

Luka freezes. “Yeah, me too.” He finally agrees, barely audibly.

“I get angry because usually I handle the students fine. I mean, they’re always a mix of arrogant, eager, and ignorant, but most of that is easy enough to train out of them.”

He snorts. “I’m not so sure it’s worked for most of the surgeons I’ve met.”

She rolls her eyes, even though he has a point. “You know what I mean.”

“I do.”

“I can work around all of that. Those students don’t make me feel like _this."_ None of them have ever made her feel so poked and prodded and provoked as she does now, when her skin and patience are much too thin.

“Mmm.” He nods. “It does seem unfair that it’s happening now.”

“Maybe I should be grateful? I mean, I was telling you recently how I don’t want to be unfeeling. But it--it hurts.”

“Yeah. You’re good at this, though. I think you’ll be fine.”

“What’s ‘this’?”

“Talking. Getting your feelings out there and not--I don’t know--not trying to numb them or shove them down. It’s brave.”

“I don’t know, seems like I’ve done my fair share of shoving down lately.” He’s right that it’s not her usual practice. Maybe it is now, though. Who knows what this Elizabeth is like in this upside down world? “We both know what I’m hiding from. So what is it that you’re hiding from?”

He rubs a hand over his face. “I don’t know. Everything. I think you were right.”

“About what?”

“I’m punishing myself.”

“With all the women and drinking?”

“Yeah. I--I’ve been sleeping with a married woman, did you know that? Her husband came to see me today. He wasn’t even angry, just begged me to stop. I don’t know when I became this person.”

That’s terrible and she can’t help but cringe. It goes against all of her morals. It goes against his too, though, and that’s the point, he already knows. “What are you punishing yourself for, exactly?”

“I don’t know. Maybe for sucking at living while they don’t get to. Or maybe I’m trying to prove to God that he did the wrong thing by taking them and leaving me here.”

Oh, ouch, that hurts. “Well, I’m no Catholic, but it sounds like you’ve got the guilt part down.”

“Yeah, well, seems like everyone thinks I’m guilty. And they’re not wrong that I've done some stupid things. Susan looks at me like I’m, I don’t know. Someone awful.”

“You’d think Susan would be used to that sort of behavior, really. She did work with Doug Ross, after all.”

“Carol’s Doug?”

“Yes. He was quite the Lothario before they got together. Well, before they got together the last time. According to Mark, he did a lot of changing. It is possible. But maybe it’s shocking to them because you weren’t like this before.”

“I know. Abby said it’s not me, and she’s right. I already decided to stop, it’s why I came over tonight. I was feeling lonely and thinking of going to a bar.”

Elizabeth almost laughs that he’s come over to her house because there’s zero chance of temptation here. Too bad the rest of the hospital doesn’t understand that. It’s a good thing Luka’s oblivious to gossip. They need each other desperately--just not in the way their coworkers are assuming. She’s not ready to even think of anyone that way, and it’s not likely to be Luka if and when she does. She’s been there, done that with the brooding doctor who doesn't share his thoughts and feelings and she knows it’s not for her. He knows it as well as she does, without even asking. Also, despite his behavior to the contrary, he’s not ready to think of anyone other than Abby that way, either, if he ever will be. 

“I’m glad our friendship rates higher than picking up random _chicks in bars.”_

“I don’t pick up women in bars, I just…” he trails off as his face turns red and she lets the laugh out this time.

“You just let them pick you up, then?”

He hesitates before shrugging. “More or less. SO, Carol and Doug. How are they doing?”

Elizabeth chokes back her grin but allows him the subject change. “They’re doing well. Carol checks in every couple of weeks.” _Since the funeral_. “Were you okay with seeing them?”

“Yeah,” he says, and for once she can tell he means it. “I mean, I liked Carol. We were friends and I kind of wanted more. But that was before, when I didn’t think I could ever, uh, love anyone like I loved Danijela.”

A lump rises in her throat and she shakes off the glimmer of a thought that she might not either. 

“Carol knew better. She was right to go to him. Though, I might have been right too.”

“What do you mean?”

“Moving on, for me, might mean settling. Finding real love is hard enough, but three times?” He shakes his head in dismay.

“Oh, Luka, you can’t mean that. Give it time.”

He gives her a sad smile and shakes his head. “Anyway. So, what do you plan to do about Nathan?”

“Try to survive him, I suppose. I already warned him I’ll fail him if he doesn’t promise to never practice clinical medicine.”

Luka’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “You did?”

“Yes. He refused, of course.”

“Maybe he’ll reconsider. Once he thinks about it. Just give him time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those keeping track, though I'm not covering every episode in season nine, this is at episode 9x07. So Luka went to talk to Elizabeth rather than hooking up with the prostitute. Just FYI.
> 
> I hope you guys are hanging in there!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luka worries as Abby heads off to help Eric and Elizabeth and Luka agonize over a family that was hit by a truck while they were building a snowman.

When Luka wakes after a fitful night of tossing and turning, he finds there’s a whole blizzard outside his window. He can’t venture a guess as to how much snow there is, but it’s time to break out his cross-country skis for sure. Skipping work doesn’t cross his mind. Even if the ER is dead today, it’s where he needs to be to find out about Abby and her brother. Kerry won’t be able to make it, either (or at least he hopes she doesn’t try), and if Carter has to leave to help Abby, too, they’ll be short.

Elizabeth doesn’t pick up when he calls. Hopefully that means she’s already safely on her way, but he’ll try again if she hasn’t made it to County by the time he gets there. Not that he can ski to her house anyway, but he wants to know she and Ella are alright.

It’s quiet and peaceful in the streets for once, and he’s enjoying the exertion. It’s a nice change from the L or driving in rush hour traffic. His mind is left free to wander, and as it often does, it wanders to Abby. 

The commotion with the military police showing up to take Eric away a few days ago has of course been the talk of the ER. It’s mostly kind talk, at least, but it rankles Abby. Especially when she’s already upset. 

When he came in for work the day after, she was sitting in the lounge, staring at the phone.

_“Hey,” he says, biting his tongue to keep from asking how she’s doing. Other than wearing new scrubs, she looks like she’s been there since the day before. The bags under her eyes speak for themselves and her hair is a mess from the way she always runs her hands through it when she's upset. He opens his locker and wonders if she’s eaten, but he doesn’t dare ask._

_“Guess you heard the news, huh?” The put on smile can’t fool him, though he doubts it would fool even a complete stranger._

_“Any luck?” He gestures at the phone._

_“Nope. Most of the few actual people I’ve talked to know absolutely nothing, and the rest find out I’m his sister and they don’t want to help me.” She snorts. “I’m useless.”_

_Concern turns to alarm as he realizes how despondent she is. He stops readying for work and, with his lab coat and stethoscope in hand, moves to sit across from her._

_“You’re not useless, Abby. None of this is your fault.”_

_“It is, though. I got him arrested. I had to know what was going on, so I got his medical records. I forged Carter’s signature and lied that we’d been treating him, and that’s when they showed up here.”_

_The weight of the world is crushing her, she doesn’t need that too. Her eyes are bright with unshed tears, which she sniffs and wills away the next instant. God, he wishes he could hold her and take some of the pain._

_“You did what you had to do.” She only bites her lip in response and he hides a sigh. “What did the records show?”_

_She swallows hard. “Depressive episode six months ago. They thought it was PTSD due to a near-miss incident. But he lied about Maggie--it said no family history of mental illness.”_

_He winces. That’s pretty textbook timing for him to have his first manic episode now, if that’s what it is, and he trusts Abby’s take on that._

_It’s too little, too trite, and he knows that before he says it. “If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know. I want to help.”_

_A small, but genuine, smile is his reward, and he smiles back. “I mean it, tell me, okay?”_

_“Actually, I did--”_

_The door opens and Elizabeth walks in. Luka starts to gesture for her to give them a minute, but it’s too late. Abby’s reaction is odd. Not only does her smile drop, she looks stricken and leaps to her feet._

_“Wait, Abby.”_

_“I’ve got to go clock in, start my shift.”_

_“If you need time, I’m sure you can take the day.”_

_She shakes her head, not looking at him. “I have to work, I can’t just sit around. I need to do something useful. Bye and, uh, thanks.” She’s gone before he can say anything else, leaving him bewildered at the change._

Carter is leaving as Luka arrives at the ambulance bay. Abby’s not with him. They exchange a few pleasantries before Luka lets the question escape. “Did you find him?”

“What?”

“Abby’s brother.”

“Yeah, uh, Maggie called last night.”

“She did?” 

“Yeah, I guess she and Abby have been talking.”

Huh, well that’s something. 

“He’s in Nebraska. He told Maggie to tell her not to come, but…”

“Yeah. She left last night?” It’s Abby, she’ll do anything for her family, even if they don’t want it. Hearing that Eric didn’t want her to come must have broken her heart. But even if it crushes her, she’ll be there, just on the off-chance he does need her. It’s who she is. It’s why this stuff always makes him hurt so much on her behalf.

“You didn’t go with her?” The judgement is audible, and so be it. He’d have gladly hopped on a plane to help her when they were together, but she wouldn’t allow it. Hell, he’d go now if he thought she’d let him. She’s never stopped Carter though, so the fact that he sent her off on her own pisses him off. 

“I had a shift.” He hears the defensive tone in Carter’s reply and nods curtly, trying to force his face into something neutral. “I sent Gallant with her.” 

Gallant? The _med student?_ It’s better than no one, he supposes, but not enough. 

“Elizabeth and Ella are inside. They took the L. I’m headed to Midway now, I’m going to wait for a flight.”

Susan interrupts then and Luka moves to get inside, stow his skis, and change before the trauma arrives. He ignores Carter coming behind him. There’s nothing for it now, not with an incoming trauma. 

And what a trauma it is. To think he thought it would be an easy day.

Carter finally goes, without Luka’s boot helping him out the door, though he’s tempted. It’s not fair, but the resentment is still there. Worry doesn’t make him more inclined to be charitable, either. The thought of her out there with only Gallant and Maggie and no real buffer for her heart hurts him more than the thought of Carter being the one to comfort her.

At least Abby did call Maggie. Probably not because of what he said, but maybe. Maybe he helped, in some tiny way. He hopes it matters, even just a bit.

What a long day. He slumps in the booth at Doc Magoo’s. Between his concerns for Abby and the family that was hit and mostly lost despite their best attempts, Luka’s heart feels raw and bruised. If Toby’s heart doesn’t work for Matt, Luka knows exactly what that father is going to feel losing his whole family, and it’s not pretty. He would never wish it on anyone.

His companion lets out a shriek then, and he smiles as she knocks over the “snow” fortress they built with sugar cubes. Elizabeth won’t be that much longer, hopefully, because it’s getting difficult to entertain Ella when all she wants to do is play in the snow. She doesn’t care that it’s dark and freezing outside.

“Hey!” He protests as a sugar cube hits his cheek, but the effect is ruined by his laughter. “It’s not real snow, Ella.”

She grins at him and starts to dive for the rest. He’s preparing for a tantrum when he catches her, but fortunately, that’s when her mother enters.

“Mama!” Ella waves and Elizabeth reaches out to take her from his hold. She buries her face in the fine baby hair and inhales deeply. He can see the tension draining out of her at the relief. Oh, he remembers that, that moment of sheer rightness because your child is back in your arms whole and well.

Still cuddling Ella close, she flops into the seat opposite him. He’s afraid to ask. Her eyes are red-rimmed and so is her nose. 

“The transplant worked. Matt’s in recovery.”

His breath leaves him in a rush. “Thank God.”

“Yeah.”

The server comes with their food then and they both practically faceplant into their plates. Luka scarfed down a power bar around noon, and that’s all he had since before work. Elizabeth probably didn’t get even that much. Ella is happily licking ketchup off her fingers and fries and occasionally taking a small bite, so she’s obviously not as starved as the two of them.

Once the edge is off their hunger, he asks. “What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

He shifts awkwardly, not wanting to say that her eyes and nose are both puffy and red. So he shrugs instead. 

She scoffs, knowing what he’s not saying, but answers anyway. “The father, he had a hard time making the decision to do the transplant. I had Nathan push him. I knew it too, but there wasn’t time . During the surgery, I walked in and found him on the floor next to his wife’s body and I…”

Tears are about to spill over, but she sniffs and regains control. “He said no one could understand how he felt. I told him—I told him about Mark dying and how the grief—how it’s like waves in the ocean and you have to let it wash over you.”

He nods. “Yeah. They, uh, never really get smaller, but they come less often.” They each turn back to their plates for a moment, though that’s more of an excuse for a pause than anything. “I think it’s okay. That you told him, I mean.”

“I don’t know. I know we’re not supposed to make it about us. But I don’t regret it. He needed to hear it, that life goes on. You don’t do it.”

He sighs and picks up a french fry to scoot around his plate. “I don’t tell patients because mine is the worst outcome. It’s not a hopeful story.”

It’s easier to see hope when talking to someone else. Looking at Elizabeth and Ella, looking at Matt and his dad, he can see it. There’s still a life there, and he can see it for all of them, the possibility. 

“I don’t like to reduce my family to a tragedy. To their deaths.” He doesn’t talk about the good times much, either, even though he does like remembering them, even when it hurts. How exactly is he supposed to go about it? You don’t do something like that with just anyone. It makes people uncomfortable. “I should talk about them more, though, I know.”

Her hand lands softly on his forearm. “I know it’s harder on you than you let on, too, Luka.” There’s an unspoken invitation there to talk to her whenever he wants. He doesn’t need it. He already knows. A smile of acknowledgement springs to his lips without him having to try.

Ella has finished pretending to eat and has started stacking the sugar cubes again. It looks a bit macabre, with ketchup smearing on the sugar.

“Oh, that’s fun.”

“She wanted to build a snowman. I told her we couldn’t outside in the dark and cold, so she’s doing this instead.”

“We made one this morning before work. I suppose that means she enjoyed it. I wasn’t sure at the time, she kept looking at me like I’d lost it.”

“Jasna and Danijela loved the snow. Marko didn’t like it, but I think he was too little.”

He can feel her eyes on him as he places a toothpick on top of Ella’s fort. 

“Well, I know it’s not the same at all, but you can play in the snow with Ella whenever you’d like.”

He smiles. “Thank you.” 

It’s not the same, but it’s still pretty good. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving arrives, along with Rachel, and Elizabeth gets a second try at an American holiday.

Ella shrieks and giggles as she “helps” Rachel set the table in the dining room. Elizabeth grins as she finishes spooning the mashed potatoes into their serving dish before carrying them to the table. The turkey is carved, at least as much as it needs to be for one meal for the three of them. Her wine has been poured, as have Rachel’s and Ella’s glasses of sparkling cider. As soon as she gets the cranberry sauce set out (it’s canned, sue her, it’s good enough), they’ll be ready. 

It’s certainly going better than her last attempt at an American holiday. Having Rachel here has been an unexpected breath of fresh air. There hasn’t been much time to talk since her late arrival on Wednesday, with them taking it in turn to cook and entertain Ella. It feels like they’re a family again.

Everything smells delicious. The turkey is perfectly roasted and the gravy is beautifully golden brown where it steams in its boat. The fancy tablecloth is on the table, despite the fact that she had decided to let Ella sit in her booster. What the hell, it’s a holiday after all, it’s worth the risk. Candles are lit and burning in their lovely silver candlesticks that were a wedding gift from her mother, and the salad is in a beautiful old crystal bowl that belonged to Mark’s mother. It’s a picture perfect table. She can relax now, she’s done it.

As soon as she sits and looks around the table at the two girls and then the empty chair, grief comes out of nowhere and bowls her over. Her cheeks burn like her face has been slapped, her chest aches and oh, it hurts. It  _ hurts. _ It’s not fair, Mark should be here. He should be here. 

She forces herself to breathe around the golf ball sized lump in her throat. With shaking hands, she somehow manages to serve Ella’s plate and cut the meat into tiny pieces before placing it in front of her. 

It’s not even her holiday, why is this affecting her so strongly? Then she realizes, while it isn’t her holiday, it was  _ theirs.  _ Theirs for three measly years. Within that three years, there was less time actually spent with Mark than they’d hoped. They always thought there would be more, foolish as it sounds now. There should have been thirty or forty or fifty more years of Thanksgivings. But there won’t be. There won’t even be four.

Her plate clanks back down on its setting as she looks at it in dismay. The thought of placing any food on it, of eating anything, makes her choke back bile. The same beautiful food she meticulously planned for weeks and worked all morning to cook.

Through the ringing fog in her head, it dimly registers that Rachel is speaking to her.

“I’m sorry. This all looks and smells really delicious, but I can’t.”

Their eyes meet and Elizabeth sees the same distress reflected back at her.

The dam breaks then and that makes Rachel start. Tears have been coming more easily lately. Maybe it’s a good thing, as Luka says, but it sure doesn’t feel like it as she and Rachel both sob at their useless dining table. 

“Mama? Waych?” Ella has lifted her head out of her mashed potatoes to stare at them in bemusement. Elizabeth clutches her napkin to her face, trying to get control, but she can’t catch her breath.

Rachel manages before she does. “It’s—it’s okay. We’re alright. We just, um, we—we’re probably starting our periods. It’s a—a Thanksgiving tradition.”

Just as quickly as they came, the sobs are gone. Elizabeth stares in shock for a second and then the two of them burst into laughter. They laugh hysterically, tears of laughter streaming down their cheeks instead of sorrow, and neither can stop. Ella joins in for a moment without knowing why, before shaking her head at their ridiculous scene and turning back to her food. 

Elizabeth wipes her eyes and nose as her laughter finally fades. She can’t remember the last time she laughed like that. It was probably months even before Mark died.

“Well,” she says, looking around the table for the least offensive options. “I suppose I can make this into a pie or sandwiches or something later. Salad and rolls for now, I think. Rachel?”

“Yep. Please pass the ranch dressing.”

The rest of the afternoon and evening were surprisingly lovely after their eventful meal. Rachel helped make a few turkey pies, despite her skeptical glances at the recipe book and its unfamiliar measurements which Elizabeth has to explain. The rest of the turkey is in the freezer to be put into a casserole or soup at a later date. Chasing Ella around the backyard was fun for a time, until they all got too cold and had to come in for hot chocolate. For dinner, they ordered Chinese food and watched The Sound of Music on TV. Elizabeth thinks back over the day fondly as she drifts off.

* * *

In the wee small hours, Elizabeth wakes. At first she thinks it’s just her usual loneliness-induced insomnia wake up so that she can cry in the middle of the night, but then she hears something. The arctic chill on her bare feet makes her hiss before her toes find her slippers, and she gropes around for her robe in the darkness. Ella’s door opens as silently as possible, but she is sound asleep with her bottom sticking up in the air. Elizabeth pulls the blanket back over her and lightly sweeps a hand over her soft head before moving downstairs.

Rachel’s on the couch, flipping through the channels. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither.” She flops down on the couch as well, and Rachel settles on a late night talk show. They watch in near silence, but Rachel’s sideways glances become more frequent. There’s something on her mind. Unfortunately, they never developed the kind of relationship Elizabeth wished for before, where Rachel could confide in her and Elizabeth could be a support. Well, there’s no time like the present.

“I think I want some pumpkin pie. Would you like some?” Sweets always seem to help this sort of thing.

“When did you bake a pie? I missed that.”

“I didn’t. I picked it up from the bakery on Tuesday.”

She cuts two slices as Rachel grabs forks and plates. 

“Is there whipped cream?”

“There’s a can in the refrigerator.”

Elizabeth pours herself a glass of milk and then a second when Rachel nods at her while squirting an obscene amount of cream all over her pie.

She smiles at Elizabeth’s raised eyebrow. “I like a little bit of pie with my whipped cream.” Taking a seat and then a bite, she sobers. “That’s what Dad always said.”

“How are you doing? Really?”

At first she gives a nonchalant shrug, that teenage ‘we’re done here’ non-answer, but then she slumps. “Not great, I guess. I’m sad a lot of the time, but then I get really angry.” 

“What about? Or who?”

“I don’t know. Everything. Everyone. At Mom for not getting it, for not being sad enough, for moving me away so far from Dad all those years ago. At God or the universe or whatever for taking him away. At you for...I don’t even know. At Dad for not—” Her voice breaks. “For not trying hard enough until it was too late.”

It’s on the tip of Elizabeth’s tongue to defend Mark, an old reflex, but something stops her cold. The ghost of her own fifteen year old self taps her on the shoulder, and it painfully dawns on her how much she sees herself in this girl before her.

The mother she is now recognizes that her parents did love her. They had their own issues to deal with, their own complex inner worlds, their own valid feelings and lives apart from her own. That doesn’t mean she didn’t need more from them or that her own feelings weren’t equally valid and real, and the same goes for Rachel.

“I get angry too.”

“At Dad?” Rachel sniffs.

“Yeah. And at myself. I wish I hadn’t made it seem like he had to choose between us. It wasn’t only about Ella, either, I didn’t think he was making the right choices for you. You know your dad wasn’t perfect. He never learned how to balance...anything, really. At the end, he knew that, he just didn’t have time.”

“Yeah,” Rachel breathes, staring down at her plate.

Elizabeth turns over the next thing she wants to say, wanting to be honest without throwing either Mark or Jennifer under the bus. Oh well, might as well say it.

“You got a raw deal, Rachel. For someone with two parents who love her, they often haven’t handled things well. While I could say ‘that’s life, it’s not fair,’ true or not, I know that doesn’t stop it hurting.”

Silent tears are now falling down her stepdaughter’s cheeks. How to put it into words, this weird jumble of mixed-up feelings that she is only now beginning to understand in her thirties? Fifteen can’t understand 30, but 30 can remember fifteen, and she aches for this girl who has been through so much. All she can do is try.

“It’s okay to be mad about that. I still get mad about it sometimes. My parents were divorced, with these big, important careers, and I often felt like an afterthought. I still do sometimes. Admitting that doesn’t mean that I love them any less or that they don’t love me. It means they’re flawed humans and so am I. You had to learn that a little earlier than some other people, and you didn’t get the chance to resolve it with your father, and I am so, so sorry for that.”

She reaches to squeeze Rachel’s hand and feels her squeeze back. Wiping her eyes, she clearly doesn’t know what to say in response. Elizabeth turns her attention to her pie.

After a few silent minutes of eating, she changes the subject. “Are you sure you’re alright watching Ella tomorrow? The daycare is open if you’d rather have a lie in and a lazy day.”

“Yeah. I want to spend time with her. I really want us to be sisters, for her to know me as her sister.”

“She will.” Elizabeth finishes the last of her pie before she remembers. “Oh, and Luka was planning to come by for dinner, if you’re comfortable with that.” 

Rachel’s eyebrows fly up and oh, shit, she didn’t think how that would sound out of nowhere.

“Uh, Dr. Kovač?” She answers slowly. “Sure, that’s okay. I thought he was dating Abby.”

“It’s not, er. It’s not like that. It’s not romantic, I mean. We’re, ugh.” She shakes her head and tries again. “I’m not ready for anything romantic with anyone anytime soon. But Luka isn’t that, anyway. He’s just been a good friend, he understands how it is.”

“What do you mean?”

“The war in Croatia, he lost his wife and his son and daughter.”

Rachel pales a little. “Shit—oh, sorry.”

Elizabeth shakes her head. “No, it is awful. I wouldn’t mention it, but I want you to understand. As for Abby, she’s with Carter now. I wouldn’t bring that up, either.”

She gets a nod in return before Rachel giggles. “Carter, really? Huh.”

“What?”

“It’s just that County is a soap opera. Everybody dates everybody.”

That startles a laugh out of Elizabeth and she gets up to rinse their empty plates. 

“You have no idea.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


The next day she hits the ground running, with an appy at 6 AM, and the day keeps coming. She manages to dodge Robert and duck out on time at 6 PM. 

“Hey!” Luka says when he sees her at admit. “You want a ride? I just need to hand off these patients to Chen and grab my stuff from the lounge.”

“Yes, please. I’ll wait for you in there, I haven’t sat all day.”

She’s sitting on the couch when Abby and Carter enter, arguing, though they stop as soon as they spot her. 

“Hey, Elizabeth, how was your Thanksgiving?” Carter asks as Abby waves in her direction before turning to the locker.

“It was fine. It’s not really my holiday, but Rachel got to come up, and that’s been nice.”

“Really? How’s she doing?”

“She’s alright, I think, considering everything.”

“Well, good, tell her I said hi.”

“I will. How was yours?”

“Oh, it was okay.” His smile becomes fixed and she realizes she’s stepped in it. There’s an awkward moment before Abby throws on her coat and touches Carter’s arm. 

“Do you need something before we go?” Carter asks, ignoring Abby’s leading touch.

“Oh, no, I’m just waiting for Luka. He knows I’m here.”

Carter turns sharply to look at Abby, who is meticulously tugging her gloves on one finger at a time despite her red cheeks. Hmm, that’s interesting.

“Well, we’ll leave you to it, then!” He says with false cheer and Abby puts on a fake smile before calling out a quick goodbye and darting out of the lounge ahead of him. 

“Bye!” She calls after their retreating backs. Very interesting indeed.

* * *

  
  
  


Their dinner of turkey pie is enjoyable, and there's no trace of the sorrow from the day before. Luka and Rachel are both a bit quieter than usual, but that’s to be expected. They’re both trying and that’s what counts. Ella’s ecstatic. She’s decided they’ve both come to pay court to her, and she’s probably not that far off the mark. They cater to her whims far more than her mother does.

“Wow, what is this? It looks amazing.” 

Elizabeth agrees with Rachel, Luka’s outdone himself this time with their dessert. 

“It’s Croatian cherry strudel. It’s my mother’s recipe.”

Rachel answers around a big bite. “It’s amazing. You could be a baker.”

He laughs. “My mother would say I cheated. I didn’t make the phyllo.”

“Well, it’s delicious anyway.”

Luka ducks his head in shy acknowledgement and Elizabeth finds herself grinning at the two of them.

After they finish, Ella gets Luka to play on the floor with her. As usual, he ends up on his hands and knees pretending to be some sort of animal as Elizabeth and Rachel clear the table. 

Rachel corners her in the kitchen. “Hey, how old were Luka’s kids?” 

Elizabeth glances into the living room to make sure he’s occupied, though she can hear him talking to Ella and Rachel’s question was quiet.

“They were young. His son was a baby and his daughter was, uh, I don’t remember exactly, three or four, I think.” She scrapes the remnants of a plate into the trash. “She would be your age now, though.”

Rachel takes that in quietly as she rinses some silverware and sticks it in the dishwasher. “He’s a very dad-type person, isn’t he.”

“Yes, he is.”

“I like him a lot.” 

Elizabeth looks at her a little sharply then. Surely, she can’t be matchmaking.

“No, not like that,” she laughs as she accurately interprets the look. “I’m just glad for you and Ella that you have him around. And for him too.”

She smiles and feels a surge of pride at Rachel’s empathy. “Me too.” 

_ She’s going to be okay, Mark. She’s going to be okay, _ she says silently and gratefully, as she watches Rachel head into the living room to join the fray with a shout.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Christmas season arrives, and this year Luka has reasons to enjoy it, even if it's a mixed blessing.

It’s almost stupid how giddy Luka is about having a real Christmas here in Chicago. Having somewhere to go, besides his father’s house, besides the hospital, where people actually want to celebrate with him, is the best gift he could get.

Christmas shopping is actually fun this year, so it’s easy to hush the part of his mind that wants to grumble about American consumerism. The atmosphere is nice and festive with lights and carols playing everywhere, so he lets himself get swept up in it. He finds Ella’s gift first. She’s easy, he knows she’ll be happy with the knit cow and matching puzzle he got her. He’s lost for Rachel, so he’s going with Elizabeth’s suggestion of a gift card for MP3 files. He looks at the players closely, but decides to wait. He’s good with his CDs for now, even if some people find his collection lacking. It works for him.

It’s equal measures pain and joy to think of Rachel and wonder what Jasna might be like now had she lived. Would she be begging for an iPod for Christmas? Would she be a similar mix of anger and uncertainty and sadness? Would she be boy crazy? Making him and Danijela wait up at night for her to come home? What would she look like? What would she sound like? The ache burns in his chest, but he doesn’t want it to go away. It’s the only connection he has left.

He’s wandering around random stores now, trying to find something to get Elizabeth. A gift card would be fine, but a little impersonal since she’s pretty much his best friend. The current store isn’t a likely candidate. It’s filled with breakable things that aren’t ideal for a house with a toddler. There’s a strong scent of cinnamon in the air, and he’s afraid he’s going to bump something horribly expensive in the ridiculously tiny aisles that weren’t built with him in mind. Despite all that, it feels homey and familiar somehow in a way that makes him linger. He doesn’t realize why until he spots a snow globe in a china hutch and it hits him how much it reminds him of Abby. He can’t explain it, but it’s just so her.

Carefully, he picks it up and turns it upside down to wind the key. Watching the glittery snow slowly settle on the deer and pine trees and fills him with peace. The wistful melody fits as well as the store, and before he can talk himself out of it, he buys it for her.

By the time he leaves the store he’s already kicking himself. How is he supposed to give Abby a gift? They didn’t even really give each other gifts the year they were dating, and he wishes he could go smack some sense into his former self. He gave her some chocolate from home after he got back from his trip, and she gave him...he shakes his head at that train of thought before it can continue.

The Secret Santa drawing is coming up in a few days, maybe he’ll get lucky and pull her name.

* * *

Luka curses under his breath when he draws Chen. He spends the next couple days wanting to ask Elizabeth her opinion of how to go about the whole thing, but something stops him. Probably not wanting to look like an idiot, but too late for that, she already knows he’s pathetic.

He and Chuny are in Trauma Two watching their patient head up to the OR with Yosh when he turns to her. If anyone knows who has who, it’s either the nurses or desk attendants, and like hell is he asking Jerry or Frank.

“Hey, Chuny, uh, can I ask you something?”

They’re friends or at least friendly coworkers again, but there’s still wariness in the lift of her eyebrow. “Sure.”

He shifts and swallows. This is awkward, bringing up Abby again like this to her. “Do you know who got Abby for the presents?”

“Yeah,” she answers slowly. “Haleh did.”

“Oh. Do you know, um, if she got her anything yet? Or if she would maybe switch with me?”

Chuny squints at him. “Why, who do you have?”

“I got Chen.” Clearing his throat and trying to sound nonchalant, he goes on. “There’s this thing I have for Abby and...”

Her eyes widen. “Oh.” She looks at him for a moment too long and he feels his cheeks starting to heat when her face softens. “I’ll take care of it, you can have Abby.”

“Thanks, Chuny. I owe you one.” He smiles, even if he’s suspicious of who will hear about this. Telling the nurses might be a bad idea, especially if he wants to maintain any sort of distance about it, but it’s too late for that anyway. Elizabeth is going to give him one of her looks like she’s not sure he’s doing the right thing, but oh well.

* * *

By the day of the ER Christmas party, Luka’s Christmas spirit has taken a turn toward bittersweet. Abby’s still avoiding him when she can and acting squirrely when she can’t, for what reason he has no clue. He’s still behaving himself, but the lack of alcohol or female companionship exacerbates the loneliness that permeates his life when he’s not hanging out with Elizabeth and Ella.The merriment of the season makes him long for Jasna and Marko and as he looks around his apartment, all he sees are the empty spaces where they should be. He misses Danijela and his mother and father, his brother Niko and the relationship they used to have and can’t anymore. He misses Abby.

The cafeteria fare isn’t much, but it’s all Luka and Elizabeth can manage to grab together in their rushed lunch break. He really is thankful he has this friendship. He eats his droopy salad slowly and watches her inhale her turkey club.

“Don’t look at me like that, I only got a few of Ella’s puffs for breakfast. I don’t have time for anything these days.”

“You should get some granola bars or something.”

“Probably,” she wrinkles her nose. “Anyway, I’m glad you talked me into Christmas shopping last week while you kept Ella, or I’d be in trouble. Who do you have to buy for? Or are you already finished?”

“Yeah, I do mine early so I can ship things home in time. I got a book of paintings for my father, a scarf for my sister-in-law, and a video game for my nephews that will piss off my brother. And the stuff for you, Ella and Rachel.” He smiles at the thought of the small pile of wrapped presents on his living room floor. It’s the first time since he’s been in America that he’s had any to give away. He still can’t quite believe he won’t have to hide from the holiday at the hospital for once.

“That’s nice that you have them. My parents send money and tell me not to send anything for them. Mark’s parents are gone and he didn’t have any siblings either, so...” She looks sad for a moment but then shrugs and he nods.

“Thank you for letting me come crash this year.”

“It’s my pleasure. Especially since you already promised to haul the tree in on Christmas Eve.”

“Ella needs a real tree.”

“Rachel says so, too, but I’m still not convinced giving a toddler a bunch of shiny glass baubles within her reach is a good idea.”

Luka chuckles. “It’s only for a short time.”

“Are you excited about the party tonight?”

“I don’t think I’m going to go.” He shakes his head.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I feel out of place. I’ll probably send my gift with someone and go home, have an early evening.”

Elizabeth raises an eyebrow but says nothing and instead finishes her sandwich before she brings it up again. “Who did you get?”

He carefully wipes his mouth with his napkin rather than look at her. “Abby.”

Her silence is eloquent, but unfortunately, also momentary. “Well, if you want my two cents, I think you should go. There has to be a happy medium between going home with a different woman every night and only ever spending time with your widowed friend and her toddler.”

“I’ll think about it.” Put that way, it does sound a bit pathetic, even if he much prefers his current choices. He is still lonely, and Elizabeth’s friendship has enriched his life more than he’d thought possible. Maybe the same can be true for his other coworkers. If he can ignore the Abby and Carter of it all.

“Wait, doesn’t the ER staff usually do gag gifts that are a bit, er, risqué?”

“I got her a normal gift, I swear.” He lifts his hands as if to prove his innocence, conveniently leaving out the part where he switched to get her name. “You’d better go if you’re going to make that hernia repair.”

She glances at her watch and stands up. “Oh, shoot.” Luka grabs the trash from her tray and puts it on his own before sliding her tray under his. “Thanks. Just think about it. You don’t have to go. But have I ever steered you wrong?”

“I’ll think about it.” He rolls his eyes at her even as he smiles. She does have a point.

* * *

Susan opens the door grinning when he shows up that night. “Hey, Luka, come on in! You can stick your coat in the guest room and I’ll take that for you.” He reluctantly passes her his wrapped gift and ignores her silent surprise when she sees the name on it.

“Thanks,” he says without looking at her again, heading to the room she’d vaguely gestured toward. He deposits his coat and aims for the living room until he spots who’s in there. Carter and Abby are already there, sitting close together and it tears at him like it always does. The kitchen it is. Thank God for alcohol.

Haleh and Yosh coax him into conversation, talking about their own families and holiday traditions and asking about his. It’s a little humiliating when they catch him looking at Abby morosely, but they’re kind enough not to mention it. Instead, they share a look and Haleh asks about Elizabeth and Ella instead. Luka can’t help it, though. A chance to be still and observe Abby is so rare now. At County, it’s all motion and chaos everywhere and that makes it easy to hide from others. Watching her now, he’s convinced he’s right. That’s what she’s doing.

If he could convince himself she was happy, that she was truly herself with Carter and blissfully in love, he could live with it. It would hurt like hell, but he could. But she’s not. Maybe it’s not obvious to others, but it is to him. Abby’s a champion hider even from herself when she doesn’t want to be seen. Her smiles are a tad too bright and her quips are too intentionally light. Carter’s touch doesn’t make her recoil or anything, but she doesn’t actively enjoy it either. There’s no leaning into it, no savoring of it. Like there was with him. Damn it, he needs a third drink. Or actually, it might be his fourth. Whatever.

Susan drags him over to the edge of the group once it’s time to open gifts and he thanks Jerry for the fuzzy dice. He sips another drink and pastes on a bland smile while barely paying attention as the others open their gifts. When Susan claims not to know what edible underwear are for, he has to scoff, though. They don’t sound comfortable and he’s never heard of them, but their purpose is pretty damn obvious. But then she says it’s Carter’s turn and he practically runs to the bathroom. It didn’t occur to him before that while his gift for Abby is safe, Carter’s most likely isn’t.

Luka’s well beyond buzzed at this point, and he hasn’t even spoken to Abby. He’s got to get himself together. In an attempt to perk himself up, he splashes some water on his face and breathes deeply for a couple minutes before finally heading out.

She’s there in the guest room, getting her coat, and he stumbles a bit in surprise.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” She smiles at him and he moves toward her, willing his brain to come up with things to say.

“Going?”

“Yeah, it’s getting late. Ooh, somebody knows you pretty well,” she teases, pointing to the fuzzy dice he forgot are dangling from his neck.

“What’d you get?” He can’t resist asking, since he missed it, damn it.

Wordlessly, she hands him the snow globe. He can’t tell what she thinks, so he flips it over immediately and winds it. She looks at him closely and he almost starts to tell her it’s from him, but she speaks before he can.

“You alright?”

“I thought we were friends again.” He hears the hurt in his voice and maybe he should be embarrassed, but he’s beyond caring.

“We are.”

“We don’t talk much anymore. I thought we were going to after the coffee shop, but you seem…” the words elude him and he waves his hand around as if to catch them.

“You’ve been pretty busy. With Corday.” Something about the way she says it sounds odd.

“Yeah. We understand each other and we both need a friend.”

“Oh.” She looks flustered but tries to deflect as she turns back to the pile of coats.

Did she think he and Elizabeth were together? Maybe she’s been listening to the gossip too much. He’s only become aware of it recently, but that probably means it’s been going around for a while.

“Well, we could fix that, get coffee or you could come over. Carter orders up a mean pizza.”

God, she looks good. Her hair looks silky and he wants to run his hands into it and kiss the daylights out of her until she forgets about Carter, but he can’t. This blouse is lovely on her and sheer enough that he bets he could feel the warmth of her skin through the fabric. Before he knows it, he’s trying, running the back of his hand down her arm. He’s right.

“I miss you, Abby,” he breathes.

Oh, she feels so damn good, even with that simple touch. It doesn’t occur to him that he really shouldn’t be doing that until she turns around and there are tears in her eyes. Shit.

“Now?”

He might have had a few too many, because he’s not following. “...now?”

Abby lets out a sound that’s trying to be a laugh but comes out more as a sob and her eyes start to fill again. She shakes her head and blinks the tears back like she’s annoyed at them.

“Don’t cry, Abby, I’m sorry. I—I’ll...” he tries to make himself say he’ll go if she wants, but he can’t get it out.

“Why now?”

“Why now what?” He’s so lost.

“You miss me now?” Her tears have started falling in earnest. She’s quit trying to hide it and all he wants to do is hold her until it’s better. She’s pissed at him, yes, but she’s hurt too and that’s worse. “Now that you’re drunk, but what about when you’re sober? Why not six months ago? Why not a year ago? Hell, why didn’t you care that much two years ago?”

“Abby—”

“It’s awfully coincidental that you miss me so much now when you had all that time. It’s not about me, it’s about not being able to have me.”

Wait what? Does she really think that or is she just trying to shut him up? He makes his mouth work with an effort. “No, it’s not.”

“It is, it’s some kind of pissing match with Carter and I’m the one who ends up caught in the middle.”

How could she be this wrong about him? He must have sucked at showing her how he felt even worse than he thought. “No. It’s not. I don’t give a damn about Carter. It’s not about being drunk. I want—I know I made mistakes. A lot of mistakes. But I always cared, Abby.”

She stares down at the snow globe in his hands as the melody slowly grinds to a halt and then looks back up at him. “You did?”

He nods emphatically, then regrets it as his vision blurs. “Yeah, but I thought you wanted—” He cuts himself off as the door opens and Carter enters.

A terrible, awkward silence hovers over the three of them as Carter looks between the two of them and seems to catch on to what he’s walked into. Abby turns away from both of them and wipes the tears from her cheeks quickly.

Luka risks a quick glance at Carter, expecting to find anger or question or challenge on his face, but he’s looking at Abby with sad resignation instead.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Abby answers as she slips into her coat.

“Luka, you’re missing all the fun.” Carter’s forced ease is unsettling. He seems determined to ignore the elephant in the room.

“Yeah. You should stay.” If he could just get two more minutes with Abby to clear everything up, that’s all he needs.

Carter shakes his head. “Gotta go. Are you working tomorrow?”

“No,” Luka answers automatically.

“Lucky for you.”

“Lucky for the patients.” Luka doesn’t want her to go, but he’s relieved this farce of a conversation is over.

Abby moves to follow as Carter steps out, and he stops her.

“Abby.” He holds out the snow globe to her and she reaches to grab it. Their fingers barely brush and she nearly drops it in her haste to jerk away. Luka helps steady it and she looks up at him with questions in her eyes that he doesn’t understand.

“Thanks. Um, Merry Christmas.”

She’s gone before he can answer. “Merry Christmas,” he whispers into the air.

He’s too drunk to decipher what just happened. Hopefully he didn’t ruin everything, and he hates that he upset Abby. At the same time, he can’t help but think that her crying because of him is significant. He matters to her, how exactly he’s not sure, but he does. Maybe he’s a dick for the small bit of hope that gives him, but he can’t help it.

Harkins comes in then and tries to coax him out. She might be hitting on him, but he’s not sure. It doesn’t really matter, she’s sweet and pretty, but too young and a med student to boot. Nothing is going to happen there. But he lets her talk him into dancing and dutifully drinks the water she passes him as they chat and laugh with their coworkers.

Alarm bells go off in his head when she grabs their coats and pulls him along downstairs to hail them a cab, and he’s trying to rally himself to clear things up. But she gives Elizabeth’s address to the driver and he slumps back against the seat. Erin’s a good girl. He really should go to his place and not bother Elizabeth, but he’s not going to argue with this safer option and make it sound like they have a chance when they don’t. Elizabeth will take him in, even if it means he’s in for a scolding. His eyes slide shut and he lets them.

* * *

A sharp pain caused by the ringing of a very loud, very annoying phone wakes Luka from a dead sleep. He groans and shoves the heels of his hands against his eyes.

“‘lo?”

“Shh. No, Ella, we can’t answer the phone. It could be work calling for Luka, but he’s, uh, sick. He can’t go to work today.”

He squints as he hears someone enter the room and pulls himself to sitting, ignoring the dizziness and nausea caused by the motion. A cool glass of water is pressed into his hand and he gladly drinks and then takes the aspirin Elizabeth hands him next.

“Thanks. Sorry about this.” He tries to smile but only manages a grimace.

“Oh, it’s alright. I take it you went to the party? I do expect details this evening.”

He tries to think back but it’s all rather fuzzy and he abandons the attempt. “Maybe by then I’ll remember them.”

“That bad, huh?”

He nods sheepishly and winces.

“Shh, Mama. Ooka’s sick.” Ella fusses at her mother, much louder than Elizabeth. Luka can’t help but crack a smile despite the pain that shoots through his head at the sound. She climbs onto his lap and he cuddles her close as Elizabeth collects their things.

“Okay, Ella, let’s go.”

Ella frowns adorably at her mother and wraps her arms around his neck, intent on staying put. He almost says she can, but it isn’t his place.

“Luka needs to rest so he can feel better, and we need to go meet your nanny.”

She pouts at him and he smiles again to reassure her. “I’ll be fine, sweetheart. You go have a good day.”

After a slobbery kiss on his cheek, she finally allows Elizabeth to pick her up.

“You’ll have to cook it, but there’s food in the refrigerator and freezer.”

“Thank you, Elizabeth. Really.” He’s too hungover to feel more than a twinge of shame, but she doesn’t have to be this forgiving.

She smiles at him. “Just be ready tonight with the story and we’ll call it even. Details, I mean it!”

He flops back on the couch as they leave, feeling like shit, but grateful. He’ll go get her tree today and decorate it for her. After he sleeps for an hour. Or five.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth and Luka look upon the New Year with a mixture of trepidation, relief, and hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Here's a somewhat belated New Year chapter because of *gestures at everything*. I hope you enjoy!

“Happy New Year!” Luka grins at her as she opens the door. 

“Happy New Year,” Elizabeth replies, much more subdued.

Luka snorts. “That was convincing. Party too hard last night?”

She gives him a half-smile as he hands her a bag of Chinese takeout. Closing the door behind him, he wipes his shoes then takes them off, putting them in the designated spot. They make their way to the kitchen.

“No,” she laughs lightly. “It was a bit strange being out that late by myself and away from Ella, but still fun. Waking at 6 AM with her wasn’t. I’m exhausted. She’s napping now, she had trouble going to sleep for the sitter.”

Susan invited her out for New Year’s Eve with a group from County, and Luka had convinced her to go. He’s right, she needs some female companionship aside from Ella’s and occasionally Rachel’s. It just feels weird. She doesn’t feel like she belongs anymore, it’s like trying to slip into an old dress that no longer fits. 

Luka grabs plates and silverware while she fills their water glasses, and they sit to eat. 

“How was work?”

“Eh, you know. Usual New Year’s. Drunk drivers, drunk fights, drunk injuries. It wasn’t too bad, considering, even with Pratt’s constant whining about having to work.”

“You didn’t miss celebrating?”

“I usually work it. The last time I didn’t, uh, the last time I celebrated, I was with Abby. It seems wrong without her.”

God, she feels that in her bones. “Doesn’t everything?” The bitterness spills out before she can stop it, and she looks to Luka in alarm.

He simply crooks a sad smile and says “Yeah. Christmas was good, though.”

It really was, even if they didn’t celebrate on the actual day. With Ella as young as she is, she didn’t know the difference, and it was easier for both Elizabeth and Luka to take off the 27th to celebrate once Rachel was there. Seeing Ella’s delight—and even Rachel’s though she attempted to remain maturely subdued—at their little party and gifts was magical. They played in the snow, watched movies, cooked and ate and all in all had a wonderful time. There were a few sad moments, but she wouldn’t even call it bittersweet. It was, simply, sweet.

“I think I spent all that time preparing for Christmas to make it nice for Ella that I didn’t consider the new year. I’ve always liked a new year: a clean slate, setting goals. This time it’s more like good riddance to bad rubbish.” She gasps after she thinks over what she said. “This last year, I mean, not to—” Shit. Of course not to Mark. 

“I know what you meant,” Luka interrupts with a kind nod. “Did something happen last night? You’re wound up.”

“I’m not wound up, I’m...okay, I am frazzled.” She takes a bite of Kung Pao chicken and chews it violently before swallowing. “Jing-Mei brought up that this year I should get back out there.”

“Back out there?”

“Out there. You know, dating.”

“Oh.” He winces as he swallows a bite of sweet and sour pork too fast. “And you’re not ready?” 

“Isn’t it too soon?”

“I think that’s up to you.” He shrugs. “If you’re ready, great.”

“I don’t know. It feels disrespectful to Mark, still.”

“Then you should wait. That probably won’t go away completely, but until you can make your peace with it, there’s no need to rush.”

She looks at him curiously. “How long did you wait?”

He flushes and takes a bite, looking away before he swallows. “You shouldn’t use me as a guide.”

Knowing Luka’s tendency toward promiscuity and self-loathing, she wonders if he rushed it himself and regretted it. “How long?”

His blush deepens and he clears his throat before finally answering. “Nine years.”

“Ni—?! _ Nine years?”  _ Holy shit. Her own dilemma falls straight out of her head at that. 

“Eight if you count Carol, but I don’t. That was really only a friendship.”

“Does that mean Abby was the first you—since your wife? Never mind. You don’t have to answer that.” It’s absolutely none of her business, but... _ nine years.  _ While she can’t imagine it now, not yet, just the thought of that long without anyone, without touch, without intimacy, is thoroughly depressing. Without any of that from his children, even.

He nods slowly. “She was the first. And Danijela was my first love, so…”

Wow. No wonder he fell so far apart after Abby and Carter. Perhaps this past year has been some sort of delayed adolescent sowing of wild oats, too. He really is an all-or-nothing person.

“It’s different for you, with Ella. Even without dating, you’re not cutting yourself off from your feelings or from life.”

That is true. Painful as it is, she is doing it. She certainly isn’t one of those people who thinks her life isn’t complete without a man. That’s ludicrous. But nine  _ years.  _ Maybe Jing-Mei and Susan are right. As unprepared as she feels to step back into the, ugh, dating scene, she can’t imagine being totally single for that long. Not even with Ella in tow.

“I suppose it’s something I’ll have to consider.” Only consider, for now. 

“Any resolutions?”

Elizabeth snorts. “To not let this year be as terrible as the last? I’m not sure that’s a resolution so much as a threat. Or a ridiculously low bar.” Hopefully that isn’t an invitation to chaos, but how much worse can it actually get?

“Yeah,” Luka chuckles humorlessly. 

She glances over at him and can’t read the look on his face. “How about you?”

“I’m going to stop making things worse for myself. Well, try to anyway. And I’m thinking about serving with L’Alliance du Medicins again.”

“Where would you go?”

“I’m not certain, but they need help in the Congo. And my French is, eh, okay, so probably there.”

Watching him, she can’t help but smile. 

“What?”

“I'm rather proud of you. Two months ago you were—well—and you’re doing much better now.”

He smiles wryly. “Well, I probably have you to thank for that. Of course, the Christmas party…”

“We’re all entitled to a little backsliding now and then.”

There’s a shout from the monitor then and she goes upstairs to retrieve Ella. Ignoring her grumpy protests, she changes her diaper then takes her downstairs, where she slumps on Elizabeth’s lap, staring into nothingness.

“Wow, it looks like your mama wasn’t the only one who partied too hard last night.”

When all he gets is a slow blink in response, he laughs, then stands and grabs a sippy cup and a container of puffs for her. Long past futilely refusing these gestures, Elizabeth smiles her thanks.

It takes a few minutes for Ella to wake up enough to pull a puff out and eat it. After she drinks some of her milk, she silently turns to Luka and reaches her arms out for him. 

They make an adorable picture as Luka patiently draws her out until she’s giving him small smiles as she snacks. Elizabeth takes advantage of her free hands to finish the rest of her late lunch as she watches them. He truly is made to be a father, and while she does enjoy having him as part of her own makeshift family, he needs his own. She may not be quite ready to move on with anyone, but that won’t always be the case. Abby is too unknown for her to have an opinion on whether or not they should be together, but at the very least they both clearly need some closure before they can move forward in any way. With the latest developments, maybe they can finally get that, if not more.

It’s not matchmaking if she’s following Susan’s instructions, is it?

“Oh, I was supposed to tell you. Susan is insisting that you go to Abby’s birthday party.” When he merely looks at her wordlessly, she continues. “They’re having it at some restaurant she likes, on the tenth.”

Certainly she is not as ridiculous as the look he gives her implies. “Does that sound like a good idea to you?”

“I mean, it may be a bit awkward, but I don’t see why you shouldn’t.”

He scoffs. “Yes, I’m sure Carter will appreciate me showing up.”

“Carter won’t be there. People who’ve recently broken up don’t usually make it a habit to celebrate each other’s birthdays.”

In his shock, he knocks over Ella’s bowl of puffs and scrambles to rake them up with his hands. “They broke up?”

Seriously? She stares at him in shock. The whole hospital has been buzzing about it ever since. He’s always a little out of the gossip loop, but this is unbelievable. “It’s been over a week. How did you not hear?”

With a shrug, he stares at the table. Some relief would be in order, but there’s less than she thought there would be. In fact, he almost looks guilty. “The night of the party?”

“Around then, I think. Why are you upset? Isn’t this a good thing?”

“Not if she’s hurting because I messed things up for her.”

It is a sight to behold, his ability to brood in any direction. “You didn’t say anything that night that was untrue, Luka. And if it was true, then this is for the better.” It’s on the tip of her tongue to say more, to point out how unhappy Carter and Abby were together, how Luka’s obviously still on her mind. But she can see the struggle in his eyes, how hard he is trying not to hope. She knows that struggle—hope can be so cruel. 

“Okay?” Ella interrupts, patting Luka’s cheek. 

The brooding melts away as he turns to smile at her and pretend to bite the food out of her hand. It’s a few minutes of giggles and fun before Ella finishes and runs to grab her toy keyboard. (Elizabeth loves Rachel, but she may never forgive her for giving Ella that head-busting noisemaker.)

“I’ll go.” 

It takes her a moment to realize he means to Abby’s party. “Good.” Honestly, she’s not sure if it is the right call. But not going would be worse.

“As long as you promise to think about ‘getting back out there’.”

Huh? How are those two things connected? Squinting at him, she awaits an explanation.

“My love life is a mess, but it doesn’t mean it has to be that way. I know nine years is too long...I think that maybe made it harder. Get back on the horse or however you say it.” 

“I think that’s right.” 

“If you need someone to watch Ella, I’m more than happy to. Even if it’s, uh, overnight.”

Oh no.  _ Overnight.  _ With someone new. 

“I—I will think about it. But not until it’s been at least a year. Before that, I just, I can’t…” She brings her hands up to cover her face. 

“Hey, breathe. It’s okay. I didn’t mean right this second. Take the time you need, just don’t forget to leave room for the possibility, that’s all.” 

Peeking out, she finds him eyeing her carefully. 

“If it’s easier to find something, you know, without...an attachment, I can recommend a decent bar where people from work don’t go.”

“Oh Lord. Please stop talking.” Her face is bright red. She’s not going to lie, it does have a certain appeal, but in no way is she ready for that. Even if part of her might be.

“I can give you tips on how to pick up guys in bars.”

“Ha, as if that’s difficult.” 

He raises an eyebrow at her and Ella comes back to find the two of them laughing at each other. She smashes the keys and grins as they cringe and jump.


End file.
